What's in the Hand
10.20.07
Terms and Conditions for the Contest
1. The winner of the "What is in the Hand?" Contest will be determined solely by me or my alter ego Captain Canard. Alcohol may be used to enhance the decision making.
2. Friends, family, and pets are encouraged to participate. For some, it is an advantage; for others, not so much.
3. Bribes are welcome but probably will have no influence.
4. Please, no scratch-n-sniff entries.
5. After submitting an entry, employees are required to wash their hands.
6. Even though clothes may or may not be worn while submitting unlimited entries, hats are looked upon favorably (especially sombreros).
7. The following Stableford scoring system is in effect:
Catalonia citizens: +5
pearl divers: +4
MILF: +3
farriers: +2
scrivner or sexton: +1
rat grabber: 0
lady-in-waiting: -1
urologist: -2
ufologist: -3
fellmonger: -4
GGILF: -5
8. Captain Canard is not responsible for any injuries or deaths which may occur as a result of the contest.
9. The winner will receive a box of bric-a-brac, unwanted crap from a recent move, an assortment of tokens which will be highly treasured and bequeathed to future generations. Other eBay-suitable collectibles may be awarded to runners-up and honorable mentions.
10. The winner will be announced 11.09.07.
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What's in the Hand - Results
11.09.07
And the winning entry is:
"What's in the hand? My hopes and dreams" submitted by Ross Blanchard
Congratulations to Ross for submitting such a universally recognized sentiment, a sentiment many writers and wannabe creative types can readily identify with, writers who wonder why they aren't famous even though they have a web site and a MySpace page with several hundred friends who I don't know personnally. Yeah, Ross, thanks for bringing it up. Your prize package worth possibly something is being gathered this weekend.
Here are a few more entries we received for the "What is in the Hand? Contest:
-"Democrat gonads" submitted by MC Karl Rove
-"Dear Mr. Rove: Sir, pardon us, but I believe your statement is incorrect. It should be 'Democratic gonads'. Please consider this phrasing if you would be so kind. Or maybe not" submitted by Harry Reid and Chuck Schumer
-"A human eyeball won in a divorce settlement by an ex-husband" submitted by Sandy Duncan
-"A raccoon's paw bitten off in a beaver fight" submitted by Marlin Perkins
-"Melting cherry JELL-O® retrieved from mother's underpants" submitted by Tony Perkins
-"A small turnip" submitted by G. Steinbrenner
-"A nasty papercut sustained while handling a stack of hooker invoices" submitted by M. Twilling, lobbyist
-"Gotcha nose!" submitted by Grandpa Joe
-"Give me my freaky...I mean, freakin' nose" submitted by Michael Jackson
-"Leaky red ink pen used to grade papers discovered in teacher's abandoned desk drawer after she takes off to Mexico with her awesome thirteen-year-old student/lover" submitted by K. Peterson
"The first fresh mountain oyster of the season" submitted by Erskine "Plywood" Muckler
Some entries were submitted anonymously*
- Marie Antoinette's final breath
- Hillary's left nut sack
- 13 pounds of Mississippi back strap (13 oz of Mississippi squirrel meat)
- Mr. Furry - Wondermouse
- Franz Kafka's tubercular lung trickle
- Meat and lots of it
- Hot gooey loads of syphilitic manjuice
- Hey, was that a gooseliver?
- A small heard of wild, tooth-knashing deer
- Bestial love gristle
- The intestinal tract of the rare Alsatian Musk Elk
- A triple-bladed pokey thing
- Twelve dozen consumptive snail nostrils
- Paul Lynde's "love whistle"
- Six Sanguine Jelly Worms
- The last pulsing ounce of America's soul
*collected by Diana Grove of American Sideshow.
Thanks to all who participated (I'm looking at you Ross).
