High Times Magazine Sponsors Golf Tournament to Rival Masters
Woodstock, NY (DPI) - The High Times Open teed off during the week of the Masters, offering an alternative to players who did not qualify for the Augusta tournament.
Before play began, a tournament official was asked about the condition of the course.
"The course is righteous, man," said Mr. "Wailin" Wayland "the Inhalin" Pufferman, organizer of the tournament. "Look at the rough! Grade-A hemp three fuckin' feet high, man. And the greens! We're talkin' primo shit."
Players had to pass a drug test to be elgible to play. In this case, passing the drug test meant testing positive for marajuana use.
"Yeah, we got a lot of amateurs out here," said Mr. Pufferman. "The only pros to qualify were John Daly and Chi Chi Rodriguez."
As play got underway, the inept golfing skills of the participants became apparent. Most of the players received slow play warnings for spending an inordinate amount of time in the smoky rough or chowing down at Taco Bell-sponsored snack stands available on all holes.
The toughest section of the course was the eleventh, twelfth, and thirteenth holes known collectively as Feck Weed Corner. The most dangerous hole of the group was the thirteenth, nicknamed the "Bong Hole." Several players suffered facial injuries taking hits from the cup as play was in progress.
The "Bong Hole" was also the site of an unfortunate incident. Two golfers were taken to a nearby hospital after being assaulted by their playing partner, a very high and giggling Chi Chi Rodriguez. Despite missing his quadruple bogie putt, Chi Chi began performing his flamboyant sword-fighting routine with his putter and then stabbed his fellow golfers several times in the testicles. Because of his unsportsmanlike behavior, Rodriguez was assessed a penalty stroke for each ball poked.
Eventually, the tournament was canceled before the completion of the first round. No winner was determined because players smoked all the twelfth and eighteenth greens using their scorecards as rolling papers.
